Horribly Brilliant.

I am caught in a horribly brilliant place. 

As you probably know, my body is failing me lately. My hair is just falling out by clumps, my hands and wrists hurt constantly, and sometimes my knees hurt so bad i feel like i dislocated them. I am in no way complaining, its just how it is, fact. Not to say I am content with pain, but i have no right to complain when this is nothing in comparison to Christ's death for my sins and your sins on that cross. HE alone is faithful, HE alone is holy. I was talking about this with my friend Allie, she asked me if I was scared. And actually, I am. Whether or not i want to admit it, i am. It is a scary thing to wake up each morning and not know what to expect out of my body. And i am just trying to be real and honest with you. 

I called my mom today and told her that i was scared, she told me, "Don't be. We just have to pray and trust Him." As she prayed for me on the phone later she acknowledged the fact that He has a plan for me and that it is perfect. 

He has everything perfectly planned out and everything is in His will and i cannot and will try to control it. I cannot live in fear of my next day because it is planned by Him. These days, the words that follow from a poem in our hymn books, are what i think of and what i continually say to myself and say to God. 

 Here Master, in this quiet place,
Where anyone may kneel,
I also come to ask for grace,
Believing You can heal.

 If pain of body, stress of mind,
Destroys my inward peace,
In prayer for others may I find
The secret of release.

 If self upon its sickness feeds
And turns my life to gall,
Let me not brood upon my needs,
But simply tell You all.

 You never said, "You ask too much,"
To any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch;
Will You not make me whole?

 But if the thing I most desire
Is not Your way for me,
May faith, when tested in the fire,
Prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief:
Till faith is fully grown,
Lord, disbelieve my unbelief,
And claim me as Your own.

Horribly brilliant? Well, I am caught in this place where I rely on God for each movement and each motion, I have to think about each movement. It is horrible pain that I am in, but it is brilliant pain that makes me rely more on God than I ever have before. My body is completely limp in His hands and i ask Him daily to lift me up, grab my hand and walk me through the day. Not walk with me, but walk me fully through the day. Without having Christ in my life, I would be in a deep pit and a dark place in life. 

I have begun to wonder why I don't ask Him to walk me through each day more often. Why it comes down to horrible before I can let go of my pride and arrogance before I can give my days to Him. I should not be waiting until horrible, it should be in the brilliant and the wonderful days that I give my life to Christ. Those days are when my downfall won't be pain or hurt, it will be the pride within me and the arrogance I have in comparison to others, that will bring me down if I let it go too long. When those come to a breaking point too, there I will be so alone and so selfish, that the only person to walk with me and walk me through my next day would be Jesus. 

I have been there, I have been in a place that I am to prideful or to arrogant for people to care, so why do I let myself get to that place? Why do I not grab His hand more often, through the mundane days. I have no idea! But, I think that through this horribly brilliant place I am in now, I am beginning to learn to not take for granted the places that just brilliant and wonderful.

Dear Ones.

Today, is one of those days where you just want to sit on a couch and sit. Do nothing but sit and listen to your favorite song on repeat for multiple hours. In this case, this one is mine. Check it out, it is literally all I listen to, always. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iG2wUL1vTY


But, i got on my computer and checked my e-mail from a professor that will be teaching me systematic theology in Europe this summer. This is how he started his e-mail, "Greetings Dear Ones," 
Who doesn't love to open an e-mail with that greeting?! He goes on to explain things for the course and so on. The end of the e-mail says this, 

"I'm keenly interested in you being learned, worshipful young theologians, so I'm deeply desirous for you to grasp--if you haven't already--that studying theology is tremendously fun and heartening, so long as it does what it should always do: sing to Jesus Christ. That said, I'm really looking forward to our time together in Regensberg."

If those lines do nothing in you, read them again. I don't think anyone has every explain theology in such a wonderful and beautiful way to me. I mean yes, sometimes it can hurt the brain and make you so confused that you feel like an idiot for not understanding. But guess what, its sole purpose is to sing to Jesus Christ. Our sole purpose as His created beings is to sing to Jesus Christ. I think everyone should understand theology and grasp some parts of it. I am not saying become increasingly brilliant in it, but know what you believe and how to articulate it. Begin to scratch the very surface of the significance of what Jesus Christ has done and what He continues to do today. Then, our only response is to sing to Jesus Christ. If theology does not sing to Jesus Christ, it is "pointless".

My sister gave me this picture, so credit to her friend who took it!

All I want in life is to glorify Christ, to have my life "sing" to Him. And i am beyond blessed to go Moody and learn about how to serve my Lord and to serve others by way of that. I want to be diligent in my work and in my studies so that I can glorify Him. I wish with all i have in me that i could just sit around and talk about Jesus all day, and study my butt off just to understand. Not to spew it out on a test or paper, but to just grasp something of ministry and something of His brilliance. 

I get to study the Word of God for homework. Best thing ever. #MBI

Yesterday i talked with my friend Carly about how unusual Moody is. 

Not bad unusual, the good kind. I can sit in a huge auditorium and look around and be overwhelmed that each person in that room want to serve Christ as their Lord. Christ IS their Lord and they love Him. He is so real to each person and they have had an unexplainable encounter with their Creator as Savior, now all they know to do in response is sing to Christ through serving Him as He had planned for their lives, my life.   

All i know is that all i want to do for the rest of my life is to give myself as a living sacrifice for my Savior. To have my life sing to Jesus Christ in any and every way. All for the glory of God, that is all that matters anyway. 

Testimonies?

Growing up in a Christian home and in a Christian school and going to Christian camps I, like many others, was asked through out my life to share my testimony. 

Testimony::

 Law . the statement or declaration of a witness under oathor affirmation, usually in court.

evidence in support of a fact or statement; proof.

open declaration or profession, as of faith.

Usually, testimonies. the precepts of God.the Decalogue as inscribed on the two tables of the law, orthe ark in which the tables were kept. Ex. 16:34; 25:16.

Sound so intimidating, right? Well, most of the time and in my experience it is. I mean its my life and me and God are the only ones who know it on such an intimate level, so why should others know too. They don't need to know all that business!


I've been thinking about my testimony, rather my story. I sat on my bed and said to my friends, "BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE!" Of course, my dramatic self was just being dumb. But, do i? These thoughts went through my head. I have no huge story, nothing huge that has happened in my life that would bring people on my level and understand deeply why I personally needed Jesus. I grew up a youth pastors daughter/ missionary kid/ professor at MBI's kid. Grew up in the church and going to sunday school and ya know, the normal Christian kid thing. I didn't have a big conversion at the age of 9. I just had BAD night terrors and my parents told me that Jesus would protect me from those. Did i fully understand what the Jesus Christ had done for me? Of course not. But i did love Jesus and i knew HE loved me too. The basics. 


As i think about my testimony, i cannot pin point one main thing. In high school i was not SO on fire of the Lord, i spoke to him semi-regularly, and i knew i wanted to go to Moody by my senior year. But before that, i didn't even have a slight thought of going into ministry. Until, i met the youth in Eastern Europe, specifically in Czech Republic...

They captured my heart as i saw their want to know more about the Bible about God about spiritual things in general. They were and are interested! Their stories are what drive me, the thing that pushes me to do good in school, to learn and to understand, so that someday i can walk through life with students just like them and merely, live life and help with the knowledge i have. A good majority of students that are Christians, are the ONLY one in their school, or even in their city. God has given me the passion to go and live life with international students and disciple! Each one of these faces, drives me!--Testimony--

For now, i just get to be at school and learn more about HIM, grow in HIM more, and just learn about my passion. I have been blessed to be at Moody, to get into Moody. It is such and ideal place to study. Sure, people complain and there is things that people don't like, but i honestly can say i truly don't think it can get much better than waking up each day to go to classes solely based on God, HIS word, and then to have three days in chapel of praising HIM with 1,300 other students who love God and want to serve  HIM along side of you. It is truly surreal. My life has been transformed and changed in only a few months. I have grown in my faith in so many ways that i can barely describe, i have learned more about who God has called me to be and who i am. I know that i have so much farther to go in my walk with my BEHOLDER but, i also know that i am one step closer to becoming holy. --Testimony--

Through my life, i have seemed to just struggle with heath and with my body. It just seems to fall apart all at once and all over the place. My body struggles. Yet, my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and that is all that matters. Though my body seems to be deteriorating and i seem to wake up each morning and be more like an old lady than the day before, it is HIS temple and i have to take care of it in all the ways i can. This year has been a struggle since November for my body, so its been hard but guess what my body is...a reliable source of God's faithfulness and healing.

--Testimony--

Everybody knows, i have tattoos. I have three to be exact. I got my first tattoo when i was 16 with my mom and my sisters. It says "disciple" that is the one thing i constantly hear call me, HIS disciple. I want to be held to that high standard, i am honored to be held to that standard and i will uphold it. This tattoo is a daily reminder of that. 

--Testimony--

My second tattoo i got was when i was 18, i got it right before graduation in May of 2011. It says "pray". I get so much flack about this one. People always say, "oh you don't remember to pray without it?" and things of that nature. Well, no, i do remember to pray. But i do believe that it is almost never our first reaction. Most of the time our first reaction is to go talk to someone, our roommate, friend, mom, dad and so on. This tattoo may seem silly to others, but to me, it is a constant reminder to make God my number one, to make conversation with HIM a priority not a last resort. --Testimony--

My third tattoo, i got in March of 2012. It says "It is finished" in aramaic, which is the language, Jesus would have shouted on the cross. Through my devotions and reading and church services, God really placed these words in my life. They are very significant words to me and should be for everyone. They state that we no longer live in bondage to sin, we are free, we no longer have to sacrifice animals and follow rituals, as a Gentile i am no longer on the outs, i have been brought in my the blood of my Savior. These words bring renewing and healing to my life and they are something i never want to forget. My freedom had a cost, the death of God in the flesh. I have been given the greatest gift to man-kind and it is not something to take lightly.--Testimony--

Honestly, this post was mostly to help me process my own life and my own thoughts. But, i have come to the realization that a testimony is not something to freak out about, it is simply the ways you have been impacted and the ways that are obvious most of the time! it is not some huge scary thing. As Christians, we are to live in community and live life together, to share together. How can we even begin if we have no idea how we truly have been affected by the Creator of the world. HE is our common denominator, i believe that after a certain amount of time together, we should tell each other out life stories now that we are HIS and HE is ours. It does not have to be a formal thing where we sit in a dark room and stare at each other, it can simply be the overflow of a grateful heart. I can say with all my heart, all i know is that i want to follow in the tracks behind my Savior's way's and path's as they lead me into holiness.

What's Yours?