Horribly Brilliant.

I am caught in a horribly brilliant place. 

As you probably know, my body is failing me lately. My hair is just falling out by clumps, my hands and wrists hurt constantly, and sometimes my knees hurt so bad i feel like i dislocated them. I am in no way complaining, its just how it is, fact. Not to say I am content with pain, but i have no right to complain when this is nothing in comparison to Christ's death for my sins and your sins on that cross. HE alone is faithful, HE alone is holy. I was talking about this with my friend Allie, she asked me if I was scared. And actually, I am. Whether or not i want to admit it, i am. It is a scary thing to wake up each morning and not know what to expect out of my body. And i am just trying to be real and honest with you. 

I called my mom today and told her that i was scared, she told me, "Don't be. We just have to pray and trust Him." As she prayed for me on the phone later she acknowledged the fact that He has a plan for me and that it is perfect. 

He has everything perfectly planned out and everything is in His will and i cannot and will try to control it. I cannot live in fear of my next day because it is planned by Him. These days, the words that follow from a poem in our hymn books, are what i think of and what i continually say to myself and say to God. 

 Here Master, in this quiet place,
Where anyone may kneel,
I also come to ask for grace,
Believing You can heal.

 If pain of body, stress of mind,
Destroys my inward peace,
In prayer for others may I find
The secret of release.

 If self upon its sickness feeds
And turns my life to gall,
Let me not brood upon my needs,
But simply tell You all.

 You never said, "You ask too much,"
To any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch;
Will You not make me whole?

 But if the thing I most desire
Is not Your way for me,
May faith, when tested in the fire,
Prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief:
Till faith is fully grown,
Lord, disbelieve my unbelief,
And claim me as Your own.

Horribly brilliant? Well, I am caught in this place where I rely on God for each movement and each motion, I have to think about each movement. It is horrible pain that I am in, but it is brilliant pain that makes me rely more on God than I ever have before. My body is completely limp in His hands and i ask Him daily to lift me up, grab my hand and walk me through the day. Not walk with me, but walk me fully through the day. Without having Christ in my life, I would be in a deep pit and a dark place in life. 

I have begun to wonder why I don't ask Him to walk me through each day more often. Why it comes down to horrible before I can let go of my pride and arrogance before I can give my days to Him. I should not be waiting until horrible, it should be in the brilliant and the wonderful days that I give my life to Christ. Those days are when my downfall won't be pain or hurt, it will be the pride within me and the arrogance I have in comparison to others, that will bring me down if I let it go too long. When those come to a breaking point too, there I will be so alone and so selfish, that the only person to walk with me and walk me through my next day would be Jesus. 

I have been there, I have been in a place that I am to prideful or to arrogant for people to care, so why do I let myself get to that place? Why do I not grab His hand more often, through the mundane days. I have no idea! But, I think that through this horribly brilliant place I am in now, I am beginning to learn to not take for granted the places that just brilliant and wonderful.