Walk With Me.

I find it ironic that within the title of my blog is "walking" (Walking with the Beholder). I go into details of why that name in my first post, go look at it. 

But, the ironic part isn't that the word "walk" is in it, that would be strange. The ironic part is that I am only beginning to understand that, as of recently. 

I went to Passion 2013 this year and it was amazing as I had expected. Only after processing with friends that are pre-counseling majors (therefore great at asking provocative questions) did I really begin to scrap the surface of what it means to walk with Jesus. The one who gives me life. The one who gives me joy. The one who is gracious towards me.

Why ironic, though? It is ironic because I stated as I begun this blog that "walking" was the thing I was doing, walking with the Beholder and this was my story of that. But never did I grasp that, I still was caught up in myself and caught up in my own actions and my own sin to really grasp the reality of doing life with my Savior, my Lord. 

The distraction of being caught up in myself or making the sin in my life more of a priority than Jesus, not in the fact that I loved my sin more or I wanted to sin more than walk with Jesus, but being more concerned with my sin over being so in love with Jesus is not walking with Jesus, its walking with sin. Everything that is within me that is godly and looks like Jesus, does not come from my own power and my own strength. It's only Jesus. It's only Jesus who makes those evident in my life. So when I am more concerned with my sin and the "bad" within me, than Jesus, it seems to be that there is a very obvious reason for the sin and bad in my life, I am focused on it. When we focus on something and concentrate on it and beat ourselves over and over for it in our minds, it makes us all the more inclined to do it. But think, when I am all the more consumed with Jesus and continually telling myself how much He loves me and how highly He thinks of me, the more I am inclined to think that way and act out what I think. My actions change because my thoughts change to focus on Jesus rather than the thing that is solely, selfish. 

Walking with Jesus is to realize that anything that is good and perfect, in my life, it's Jesus' work. Walking with Jesus is to be consumed with Him and be so concerned about worshipping and serving Jesus that we get lost in Him. Walking with Jesus is to know and understand that we still sin, but its okay. We will never "get it right" on earth. News flash: walking with Him isn't a one stop shop to stop the sin and evil in the world. One day, yes, but not yet. Walking with Jesus is to understand that we sin and its okay, so don't beat yourself up, but work on it, walk with Him and begin to make progress to look more like Jesus each day. Walking with Jesus is not rules.  It is not a list of things to do and not to do. When we walk with Jesus and focus on Him, things fall into place, our main desire is to please Him and worship Him, so we do what He asks, it's not legalism. When we love someone we will do anything for them if it pleases them and makes us show that we love them and care for them. It is the same thing, we reflect our love for Him by doing the things we know He wants us to do, so that we are a better image of Him. 

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine, Spencer. As I was on my soap box and finished what I was saying, he said this to me, "Lauren, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself of this." He was so right. I was, I am. I am trying to begin to change my thinking so that my priorities shift. I am a very rules oriented person and I begin to set up rules for myself in my mind and allow myself to think that God implanted them there, wrong. I implant those rules to keep myself from sinning or to keep myself from messing up here and there, but when I do, it's pure defeat, its like my entire world crashed and burned before my eyes, but only my world in my mind crashed because I set up such steep barriers that they were bound to get topsy turvey and fall down. And they do, every single time. Every time I disappoint myself because I can't follow my own rules and being rule oriented I assume that that means I am a total failure. 

In that moment of putting up rules and guidelines for myself, I walk away from the path that Jesus and I were on that was by vineyards and trees on and walk on a new one that takes me through the wilderness, alone, and wandering. 

I am still processing, as you can see in this post, but I am in awe of Jesus. He is the only thing that matters and He always will be. My focus is shifting from legalism and rules to Jesus. Even typing that sounds absurd, it is as if a person would see that and say, "duh Lauren, the focus should have always been on Jesus. It hasn't been? Ooooh, you need to re-think all that." I know. I know it sounds absurd, but surely I do not think I am the only one who has lost focus and veered onto a path of man-made righteousness and a path not focused with Jesus as the center. Jesus. Jesus is enough. Jesus is the only thing that matters. And He is calling me saying, "Lauren, walk with me."